Healing Emotional Pain

 

Healing Emotional Pain: # Me Too Era and me

 

When I was told by a reader of my memoir,” From Mud to Lotus, I meant to behave but there were too many other options” that I should have left out of my book, or just written in my diary all the sexual experiences I have had; I had to wonder why I felt the urge to go public with it.

Sex abuse has flourished in my childhood days and beyond because of the secretiveness of it!

 “It you talk or tell about it –I’ll kill you” is a familiar expression of the predator to a victim which I have often heard in the therapy room from clients. Secrecy is half of the abuse. Once it is out in the open—it can’t continue so easily. Not just with a particular abuser but as a permissible behavior in our patriarchal culture.

Still to this day we have major news item like the exposition of Epstein villa in West Palm beach where he systematically abused adolescent and young adult girls for years with the support of his female friend. It was possible to continue for years because it was a secretive fraudulent operation.

I felt the need not only to admit the sexual experiences I was confronted with, time and again by many men but admit it in public, break the secret, and from there feel the release of the trauma I was holding in my body from these experiences. Yes, I also went to therapy in my day to work on my untrusting attitude to men as a general gender that is selfishly feel entitled to treat girls and women as objects of personal excitement and pleasure. I wanted to share this cultural trend and its impact on me in my book because I believe it needs to be admitted by all of us as a culture.  Admitting and taking responsibility for our behavior brings about more equality in the treatment of each other that allows dignity to us women whether we are naïve or innocent or not.

I also wanted to share that other side of my sexual education and evolution, an experience that brought me to deep intimate connection, lasting love and sexual pleasure that went along with it.

I feel it is time to open this book of secrets and not hide, dismiss, or be ashamed of our loving energy and its sometimes-sexual expression. It is also time to stop treating us women as a toy, tool for pleasure or gratification of the dominant male at the expense of the victimized and traumatized woman.

I am willing to dare the judgement and criticism of the readers who feel uncomfortable to share my truth and my journey as the mission of the sharing is a growth experience for me and a necessity for the improvement of equality in our culture.

Roe Vs Wade

 

Roe Vs Wade

my personal experience

When I hear the political and judicial debates about freedom of choice Vs. right for the embryo to live, I am propelled to reflect on the assumptions behind the right to live argued by the radical religious right group.

 It seems that their attitude to women assumes inequality or inferiority to men. Whereas men have the freedom to act out of lust impulsively and sometimes even aggressivity. Women, on the other hand, are not given any freedom, instead they are containers for babies. I happened to have the opportunity to go through a transformation in my life that allowed me to deeply reflect on this hypothesis.

When I turned Thirty, I married the love of my life, eager to join the motherhood cult. But no matter what we tried no pregnancy happened. Instead, I experienced monthly disappointment or despair. We could not conceive. We tried all the medical options available at the time—but nada. After mourning “not being a woman” for not getting pregnant I joined Kris Kristofferson’s idea that freedom is another word for nothing else to lose.  With little risk I was able to be like a man.  Sexually Free.  Luckily for me, I didn’t have to bear the consequences of losing a career, nor did I have to take on a lifelong responsibility I did not choose to have. Read more about that chapter of my life in my memoir: “From Mud to Lotus: I meant to behave but there were too many other options”.

 Nonetheless, I was plagued by this Roe VS Wade dilemma and concluded that legally the ones who insist that a 7-day fetus is a human being that needs to live should also own the responsibility to carry it to term and raise the child from birth, nurse it, get up at odd hours, and pay for the consequences—as it is their choice and thus their responsibility. Until science makes it possible for men to be pregnant and bear the child to maturity, the law needs to protect unwilling women from the coercion to carry the fetus to term, because men want it. When science affords men and women the same choice of avoiding pregnancy or birthing, women will become free of the forced responsibility if they don’t want to do so. Also, the babies will receive a loving parent—then and only then is it humane to bring another baby into this world.

Until we arrive at such scientific innovation, let’s look at options for both men and women to sterilize themselves and not cause for unwanted babies to be born. This will bring equality for both sexes. But, if men cannot birth babies, and don’t have to experience themselves what they demand unwilling women to go through, they cannot have a say.

 As long as the law coerces unwilling parents to birth a baby. Inadvertently, the law supports trauma for the unwanted child. That is an act of promoting harm thus, the law of Roe Vs. Wade should stand and be supported by all.

A Daring Experience

I was so happy to write my memoir and life experiences stories, I thought nothing of sharing many of the wild and naïve experiences I participated in throughout many years of my life, they seemed normal to me.  The joy of sharing with no one in particular, or the “accepting computer” (as long as I had my spelling correct), was inviting and comforting. I was exploring writing, a new and unknown avenue of connecting into a bigger, anonymous, and varied community.

 I also found that sharing a piece of writing at a time with a writing group was extremely helpful and nourishing. Alas, already in the exposing my story to the particular makeup of personalities in my writing group, I noticed some squirming of one or two of the more Christian and traditional participants as they shared in their feedback their discomfort with some of my more wild or intimate experiences. I tested my daring against their wall. I looked forward to the challenge.  I remember that I took in their criticism and considered it deeply, however, I kept sharing my curious, one could say naïve, explorations of life all the way to the limits, in one writing group meeting after another. I am now aware that I was testing my capacity to share my intimate life courageously, tolerate the criticism (Which I deeply appreciated) to see whether I would have it in me to “come out”, expose myself to the world at large. Of course, I did it. I published my memoir “From Mud to Lotus, I meant to behave but there were too many other options.” Recently.

I am very aware that growing up mostly in boarding schools from a very tender age and not having a home to speak of for most of my young life while experiencing wars and the creation of a new country for a group of often very traumatized Jews- escaping persecution, hatred, and the terror of genocide, - I had an unusual story to share with most American born sheltered from most such experiences. Even to the Israeli population, my story was not the average one. So I thought it will make a compelling read.

 All that said, in my life, as told in the book, I exposed myself to criticism, rejection, and many opinions by people who haven’t had either the opportunity or courage to engage in stepping out into the world and making every stranger a friend until they proved not to be one. Is that naivete?? Is that foolishness?? Or is the open willingness to give anyone or any experience the benefit of the doubt and   being courageously engaged in living a full, rich, imaginative life?

   I believe that being willing to step into life with optimism, openness, and joining is part of my personality called by many Naïve. From studying trauma and PTSD I also believe it was also influenced by my youth, where part of my survival strategy was expanding my family to the human family and the “universe” or the natural (sun, moon and such) and unseen world.   I related to the “rules that run this planet and our bodies we know little about” as the true authority that even though mysterious and uncontrollable, is benevolent and supporting me to enjoy whatever is possible to, while visiting this unknown place with a code book to be deciphered through that curiosity and courage to step into experiences with all I have to offer…my humanity.

The thrill of what I received through the vulnerability I exposed, risks I took and the sometimes disregard or avoidance I experienced, is excitement, engagement with the ones that chose to read my story and learning how the world relates to an odd bird. Tantalizing indeed. I highly recommend exploring sharing your vulnerability and tolerating the anxiety and maybe humiliation and dismissal to reap the wonderful fruit of aliveness and richness like no other.

 

Let’s face it. At the end of the road, we all have to face vulnerability, courage and meeting the unknown. So, developing a comfort zone with enjoying curiosity, being willing to face risks is the last frontier for us all.